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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 25th; I am the luckiest.

The 25th of December. Well if this was my last Christmas, I think I'll consider it a triumph.

I had the usual five hours of broken sleep, then sat up in bed, listening to Scott Mills and playing games on the iPad to pass the time until Christine came in so we could open our stockings together. In mine I got tissues, lip balm, little glasses that fit Boo perfectly, a sausage dog pen, a little Lindt bear, socks, a thing I can plug into the car to charge my phone and some dry shampoo. We went downstairs in our pyjamas to wait for Daddy to get up, then we had Christmas breakfast! Obviously delicious, and I made myself a triple shot latte in my Christmas Harrods mug as I thought I'd need the caffeine. My Christmas coffee has run out now! I'm glad I didn't start it any earlier.

Then we all went to get dressed, and I sent my Merry Christmas text and ended up with the Deggs on the phone and Donna telling me how she'd opened all her presents and everything she wanted so that was nice. Then I finished getting ready while I listened to Woman's Hour, and went downstairs. Mommy and Daddy went to get Grandma, and we all took up our positions around the living room. The Moët came out (my favourite - it's so quaffable) and I began distributing and opening presents. That is my favourite part. Watching everyone unwrapping parcels and the glee on their faces, the intrigue when they get something oddly-shaped, the noises of "ooh!" and "aah" as the meaning/reason for each present is understood. I got lots of lovely gifts; a Christmas pillowcase that Auntie Hilary made, duvet slippers and a Lindt bear from the Hudsons, £50 from Taid, some Jelly Babies (fatal), Haribo Gold Bears, Minstrels, socks, hand-warmers, cookie crumble truffles and the Letters of Note book from Christine, the unicorn Pandora charm from Grandma, and from Mommy and Daddy I got a jumper, an elf that I've named Buddy, some Kinder chocolates that came with a penguin, a Rob Ryan calendar, a scarf with dogs on, a dress-up Boo mug, a Little Prince moleskine diary for next year, the candy cane Pandora charm, The Little Black Jacket book by Karl Lagerfeld and Carine Roitfield, The October List by Jeffrey Deaver, a decorative spoon with a cupcake on from Villeroy & Boch, a Stack subscription, a toiletries bag with French bulldogs on, and a muff that Mommy managed to make in secret!

Once everything was opened, Mommy and Daddy did things in the kitchen, and the rest of us stayed in the living room and amused ourselves until food was ready! The crackers got glitter everywhere and we donned our hats, served ourselves and dug in. I love parsnips. I had seconds of them and pigs in blankets. However, we didn't have Christmas pudding because Mommy hadn't realised it couldn't be microwaved and needed to be steamed for an hour and a half! Quel désastre! Fortunately, there was a panettone pudding to be had instead, and I had some warmed up peppermint chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream, so I was happy anyway.

After lunch, we returned to the living room to watch Toy Story 3, which I had forgotten is really traumatic pretty much the whole time! So Mommy and I held hands really hard to keep the tears in but a few leaked out. But that was all the crying. No sadness.

Mommy and Daddy took Grandma back at about six, and the Easts came over to watch Doctor Who! We also exchanged gifts - I got an IQ test book for the cat, some Simon's Cat books and a Pandora giftcard. We all agreed that Doctor Who was quite shit. The only bit that got me was when he was dying - obviously I can relate.

The Easts are basically my second family. As we sat around the fire, watching the tv, I felt so safe and happy. I am loved. This might be my last Christmas, but actually, that's the case for everyone, all the time - for me it's just been thrust in my face a bit more. And it was perfect. I wanted to freeze it, to stay in Christmas Day forever, eating Christmas cake with Wensleydale and feeling the sense of pure contentment that comes with the glow of love and a slight drop of alcohol. But I can't do that, and things will continue to happen. They have to. I might not be the most fortunate in terms of life expectancy, but in degrees of love and happiness, I am the luckiest.


breakfast table









The 26th & 27th; God I love Christmas cake.

The 23rd & 24th; I don't want any sadness tomorrow.