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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 21st & 22nd; I wish this wasn't happening to me.

The 21st of December. It's a lorazepam night. I feel beyond exhausted. I'm at the stage of tired where I want to cry and eat everything. It's not fun. I was awake at quarter to three, then again at five...ugh. I can't remember how long it takes to wear off.

Elle was supposed to come over today but she is full of flu so stayed at home in bed. Bless her. I sent her a picture of her present and Grumpy Cat to cheer her up. I have put all the ribbon on my presents now and they look exactly how I pictured them, so I'm really happy. I don't want to put them under the tree in case Oscar wees on them though! The other night he came into the living room and just stood in the corner and started weeing so I do not trust him around the presents.

I also did loads of boring things with podcasts and photos on my phone which was time-consuming and tedious but it's done now so that's that. Becky and James came over and we swapped Christmas cards and ate Christmas biscuits, seeing as yesterday we made three different recipes' worth which now need eating. The post came while they here, and I got cards from the Caldwells, Amy and the Bottrills, Angela (along with some gorgeous photos of us), and Hannah from Harrogate has sent me a Rob Ryan notebook! People are brilliant.

Today was the fifth anniversary of my liver transplant. Usually I am so thankful, but today I almost feel...why couldn't it be easier? Why couldn't her stem cells have just stayed where they belonged? But I know that it's futile; if this hadn't happened, the cancer probably would have come back anyway.

I wish this wasn't happening to me.



The 22nd of December.

Lorazepam is a nice drug. It had me cosy and asleep until half past nine. Sleep good.

So this morning was somewhat hazy - my hair got washed and I got dressed. I watched Sunday Brunch on delay, and I ate lunch. I can tolerate salt beef and grapes now! This is promising!

Mommy made some vanilla cupcakes so I decorated them differently - all with white buttercream, then I put candy canes on some, gingerbread men on others and penguins on the rest. Christine came home mid-decorating and she made me do one of the cakes with a tree made of gingerbread men.

Then I was just making a coffee and Penny came round! I haven't seen her for so very many years, my Pennyla. We watched A Very Merry Muppet Christmas and Alice in Wonderland while we ate Christmas biscuits and chatted about life. Being with old friends is so comforting - there are no awkward silences. I am so glad she came. She had to leave at about six to get home for dinner, so I gave her a big hug and I hope I'll see her soon.

Tonight I did eighteen consecutive sneezes, painted my nails in a Christmassy fashion, and am watching Harry Potter until The Choir final is on, although I'll probably watch that in bed.

cake collage


The 23rd & 24th; I don't want any sadness tomorrow.

The 19th & 20th; I love my big sister.