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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 2nd & 3rd; Even though I don't believe there is an afterlife, I still hope there might be.

The 2nd of November. I have finally had my bath! This morning, after my dad and I did my tablets, I ate my breakfast and then I watched Saturday Kitchen from the bathtub. I used the stuff Heidi gave me and now I smell really good.

Once dry, I tried on four dresses that I ordered last night (ASOS Premier is a wonderful thing) with the help of my mama and Christine. I have re-ordered one in the next size up as I cannot really breathe in the size I got. I just hope it looks okay in the bigger size - if it does, then all I need is a bag!

This afternoon, Christine, my dad and I went to see Thor. From the beginning of the film, I was looking at Asgard and thinking that is what I imagine heaven is like. It made me realise that even though I don't believe there is an afterlife, I still hope there might be. Does that make sense? I understand a little bit better why people want to be religious. The prospect of death is not so sad if you're of the opinion that you'll get to keep watching. I'd love to be convinced that I'll see and hear everything that comes after me, but I'm just not.

That's all.

The 3rd of November.

I think I'm emotionally exhausted; I feel like crying but there's no reason to. I was awake at half past five and couldn't go back to sleep so I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower on Netflix. I prefer the book.

I'm getting kind of pissed off with my brain continually reminding me "oh, you'll never get to do that" at every opportunity. Yes IΒ know I'll never get married and I know I won't get to grow old, isn't that enough? I do not need the Grim Reaper just hacking away at my psyche with his scythe every chance he gets.

I spent my morning watching Sunday Brunch, reading yesterday's paper and answering questions from Faith about photography/art and illness. I basically said that I do it to make people understand, then I went on to say that nobody can understand unless they've been there. So really I'm very unhelpful.

Christine made lamb from the Tom Kerridge book for lunch, and I put on The Museum of Curiosity on iPlayer because I wanted my dad to hear about this man who had basically connected his body to a computer and had been able to make a hand in Reading move when he was in New York using only his brain. It was mind-blowing. Well, to me.

Tonight, I am going to bed at nine o'clock. Bam.

The 4th & 5th; I don't know if I can do this.

Do any of you really know how lucky you are, to have the luxury of time?