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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 14th & 15th; My heart is broken.

The 14th & 15th; My heart is broken.

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The 14th of August.

My heart is broken. This morning all the doctors came and said that the scan will be tomorrow, have to be nil by mouth from 5am in case it's in the morning, fluids overnight. They said I could go home until 10pm if I wanted to, so when Mommy arrived, I told her not to bring anything in up as the doctors had just been.

So she came up and I told her what they said, then she told me that Oscar died this morning! My kitty, oh my kitty. My parents found him this morning and he wasn't right, and they took him to the vet and he had to go to sleep. He'll be cremated and put in a box and we'll decide what to do. But I didn't get to say goodbye. I am devastated.

And then I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to stay here, so we went and had afternoon tea at Selfridges and buy some chocolate and came back to try and make a kitty montage.

My Oscar is gone. I'm not going to be able to sleep.

The 15th of August.

Well I'm home, as promised, but I'm not scanned, as also promised.

I didn't go to sleep until the fluids had gone up which was past midnight, and I had to be nil by mouth from five, so I'd set an alarm for half past four which I woke up before. So I had about an hour of sleep before I had to eat my pretzel and drink my juice, and then there were things happening on the ward so I was done.

I was told I was second on the list so I put my gown on, then at about half ten the nurse came to tell me that there'd been an emergency on the table and I'd been cancelled, so I had to wait to chat to the doctors who would be round shortly but then I could go.

So being there was a waste of time and I could've said goodbye to Oscar. Okay I can't write about this because I just spent ten minutes buried in Mommy's shoulder, sobbing hysterically. Frankly, everything is terrible: my face looks like a moth, and when the bruising disappears, I'll still have a moon face, the steroids are still too high for my liking, I'm losing weight which I don't want to do but I'm terrified to eat anything because everything I consume seems to make me burp for hours, my arms are full of fluid which makes my skin really tight and sore so it keeps breaking, and lying down really hurts, my scan got cancelled, and my cat is dead.

I don't know when the scan might be now, but I'm at clinic on Wednesday again so if we've heard nothing by them, we'll get it chased. We left the QE at about half one, and went to BCH to visit Oliver and Fran and William and Sarah who all happen to be on Ward 8. Oliver's skin looks so sore, the poor mite. We just talked about everything that's going on, and we saw Sarah Lawson and Alison from BMT team! So some extra unexpected catch-ups.

We had a look at men's cardigans because none of mine are big enough to accommodate my arms, and I managed to find one.

Faye, her husband and band on kitties have sent me beautiful flowers.

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[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJHUd-7thXs?rel=0]

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The 16th & 17th; This must be what real grief feels like.

The 16th & 17th; This must be what real grief feels like.

The 12th & 13th; "You - only you - will have stars that can laugh."