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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 21st; Happy Birthday to me.

The 21st of January. It's been a weird birthday. Good, but a bit strange. It started with me having literally no sleep at all. At first, I was too cold, even with my electric blanket, dressing gown and hoodie on - I was so worried that I might be spiking (which would be utterly typical of my body) that I started taking my temperature every half hour, but it was normal and I did eventually warm up. Then I was really hungry, but didn't want to disturb everyone. To occupy myself, I listened to podcasts. I happened to put on the Richard Bacon podcast from the 16th, which was dedicated to Steve Evans. I knew nothing of him until then, and suddenly the night before what was potentially my last birthday because a lot more poignant. He seems to have been a lot like I am in his attitude - it is what it is, and it's going to be over sooner than planned, but until then, we carry on. Everyone says how much he loved people, and I like to think that I'm similar in that way - when I think about the people closest to me, I cannot even put into words the love I feel for them, and the guilt I feel in having to leave them behind when I go. It's funny - in a way, I almost feel privileged to be in this position. I know that death is coming, so I hope that I can maybe unravel some of the mystery of what dying is like. If I can help people feel more comfortable talking about death, or to cope with their own cancer in the way that Steve evidently did, then I am happy. I want my family to be proud.

Mommy came in at about seven, to say happy birthday because she saw my light was on, and gave me a big hug when she found I'd had no sleep. She went downstairs and I went to the bathroom, then downstairs to have some breakfast (I was still starving, remember?) and open cards and presents! I had lots of pretty cards, and I got a nail varnish/trinket rack from Christine, a new dressing gown from Grandma, the Les Mis dvd and a lovely copy of the book from the Hudsons, £50 from Taid, and a new Pandora bracelet with my birthstone charm on, the Grumpy Cat book, socks with squirrels on, little dog earrings, and a cute tin with a kitty on from my parents.

Daddy went to work, and I got dressed and ready to go out as Mommy and I were having brunch at Selfridges at eleven. The Balcony is really nice, and it was completely empty. I had a bellini, then Mommy had eggs benedict and I had a massive waffle with gallons of maple syrup because I decided I needed the sugar to keep me awake. That took a little while, then I had a surprisingly good latter and we went to see Chanel Mary, who gave us lots of goodies, and we're to go back next week to see the new colours and show her the bag I get. Then we went to Nationwide so I could put in the cheque from Taid, then Hotel Chocolat where I bought myself some white chocolate coffee truffles. We went over to American Apparel, but I couldn't find anything I wanted, so then we went to Paperchase to get a card to RSVP to Joely's wedding invitation. The last place we went was Pandora, where I bought myself the mouse in the teacup charm (I felt it was appropriate, thinking of the dormouse in the teapot in Alice in Wonderland, and I have felt dormouse-y all day).

When we got home, I ate some grapes (I felt the need to have something green before I put even more sugar and carbs into my body), then Becky came over and we went round the corner to get pic'n'mix, then watched Harry Potter 7 pt. 2. I ate all my sweets, then felt very full and didn't have room for cake and dinner, so cake had to be postponed.

Becky left around six, and we got ready to go out to La Tour. The menu was not as good as usual - I think it's been reduced for January as they have a 50% off offer on all month, but it was fine. I had trout gravlax with a citrus and chicory salad, then chicken supreme with smoked mash and seasonal veg. It was all very well cooked; my only regret is that I forgot to photograph my main course! Then they brought me a plate saying Happy Birthday with some truffles on, and we came home!

Mommy made me a white hot chocolate, I blew out the candles on my cake, then we all had a slice and went to bed.gifBox cards champagne


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The 22nd & 23rd; I definitely feel less fuzzy than I do with lorazepam.

The 17th & 18th; Tonight I just really do not care about anything at all.