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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 16th & 17th; I simply must calm down.

The 16th of November. This morning was errands - washing hair, putting cheques in the bank, buying mascara and nail varnishes and Christmassy beverages.

I've put some of my Paris plan into my phone. I still can't quite believe it's happening. Six days in Paris! Me! I can't wait.

This evening, we were watching the best bits of Children in Need and when Ellie Goulding sang How Long Will I Love You, I looked up and Mommy was crying. She knows I want it for my funeral. I just squeezed her as hard as I could and kept my own tears in. If I go too, we've got no chance.

It still doesn't feel real. I'm still buying things and trying to live as though I'll carry on forever, yet in some ways I'm still behaving massively contradictorially. Is that a word? It is now. Sometimes I'm collecting things for my future, sometimes I'm splashing out because I don't have one. I wonder what the point of taking photos in Paris is when in a year I doubt I'll be here to look back at them.

It's complicated.

The 17th of November.

Argh today has just been a countdown day. I'm trying not to get too excited or I won't sleep. Also I have to keep in mind that I might wake up in pain. It would be devastating, but it could happen. Trying not to think about it.

This morning I watched Sunday Brunch and painted my nails (multiple times, as I kept ruining two of them), and I read yesterday's paper. I did really well at the crossword!

This afternoon we packed most of the bag and discovered that it won't go on the back of the wheelchair, so I'll have to carry it on my lap, and shift it around if I need my handbag.

Everything is charged and pretty much ready. So much so that I even had time to watch Arthur Christmas because I'm just that festive.

I am beyond antsy; I simply must calm down.


Paris #1: The 18th & 19th; We are here, in Paris, and all is well.

I'm still here.