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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

The 31st & 1st; There is no reason.

The 31st of October. I have been talking a lot about my death this week. Rachel, who makes documentaries for people, came round today and we talked about me a lot. What's worrying is that I'm so wrapped up in myself that I kept forgetting that she's had ALL and does actually know what chemo etcetera is like.

People keep asking how I feel about my death. Resigned, I think? I know it's coming, there's nothing I can do about it. I don't like making plans to do things in case it tempts fate and the infection comes back.

Christine's friend has wangled me a ticket to The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere on the 11th, so now naturally I'm terrified that because it's confirmed, something will ruin it. We've bought train tickets and everything.

Speaking of Christine, she is home for the weekend! We are going to take a nice photo together because there are literally none.

I'm tired, kind of stressed and I want to hibernate.

The 1st of November.

It's November already and from the looks of things in town today, it's acceptable to get the Christmas jumpers out! Which is a good thing, as two that I ordered yesterday came today, along with two dresses I thought might work for the Catching Fire premiere, but after trying them on, discovered they did not.

So this morning, my mama and I went shopping for dresses, but after trying on a grand total of one, we went to see Chanel Mary. I bought a nail varnish (Rouge Moiré) and she gave us probably the cutest freebie in the world, then I got overly excited about all the Christmas stuff in Selfridges.

I got a cheque in the post today which I took to Nationwide - I was a little bit floored by its arrival and I thought the best thing was not to look at it took long. It's earmarked for something special.

There was an enormous queue of people outside Waterstones waiting in the rain to see Amanda Holden.

This afternoon, I ate soup that Christine made and had a Big Bang Theory marathon. Does five episodes count as a marathon? Well it does now.

I found out today that someone I know is joining me on the road to oblivion. A really wonderful nurse I met a couple of years ago has inoperable cancer and it fucking sucks. I get asked if I wonder "Why me?" and I never do, I always wonder "Why them?" because I keep seeing awful shit happen to lovely, kind-hearted people and it has led me to believe that there is no reason. It just is.

Do any of you really know how lucky you are, to have the luxury of time?

The 29th & 30th; I suppose I shall need to make a will.