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Documenting not dying since October 2013.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write.

I seldom find myself lost for words, but for days I have been incapable of articulating how I feel. You cannot prepare for the worst things in life; they blindside you on a Friday afternoon. Last Friday afternoon was the weekly transplant meeting, which all the liver team attend, plus anybody else with useful input. I was on the agenda, and my respiratory consultant was there. After a long discussion, it was decided that the risks of transplant outweigh the benefits. Getting me off a ventilator post-transplant would probably be impossible. And my death post-transplant is a massive waste of a premium liver. So I was right; I won't be one of the people that dies on the list. Because I'm not going on the list, and there isn't another solution. So I will die. It will be an infection that gets me, not liver failure like before. The bugs I am growing are resistant to antibiotics, and it'll get to a point where they simply stop working. I don't know when, and the doctors cannot say. They can try to drain the bile externally, but we will continue with the antibiotics for as long as possible. I am being clinical because I cannot talk about this any other way. If you want to do something, sign up to be an organ donor or a bone marrow donor and tell everyone you know to as well; if there were more donors, someone more suitable might have been found for me in time and I wouldn't be in this situation. But I am and I can't change that, but I can try and reduce the chances of this happening to someone else. Sign up to be a bone marrow donor.

Sign up to be an organ donor.

I dreamed that my life would be big.

The 8th & 9th.